It’s been over a year, since I saw you sitting there alone. I approached to see if we clicked. We seem to fit well together. I was tempted, though I knew I didn’t need you that much. Not with the amount of price that must be paid. Is it worth it? Should I just take this chance?
I hesitated, I contemplated. I walked away, headed to the opposite direction.
Plenty others distracted me, for a moment I had forgotten about you completely.
But soon the image of you came back to haunt my mind. I think we can get along just fine. And maybe the benefit would outweigh the cost. Maybe I should just say yes without listening to all these doubts.
“You really should think clearly and not act on your impulses”, a voice inside my head reminded.
“There is nothing to lose, short-term happiness is still happiness,” my heart argued.
The head won, as it usually does, initially. I left you, convincing myself that this is how things should end between us.
“Get over it, it’s not a big deal.” I said to myself.
But I couldn’t sleep that night. There a tiny feeling of regret crawling up my chest. A tad bit of guilt for ignoring that happenstance. A moment where destiny decides that we should meet.
The next day I knew what I should do. Half-running, I rushed to get to you again. Apologizing for abandoning you the other day, for not listening to my heart and worried too much about what was right.
But as I got back to your place, you were nowhere to be found. I asked and questioned everyone, and they said you were picked up by someone. I was left there with a big hole in my heart and a massive remorse. I looked around, none were even comparable to you.
You may be not that perfect, but I knew there was something about us that could have worked. So what if we failed eventually? The biggest mistake was us not bother trying; and me not brave enough to take any risk. I ran away from my heart’s desire. And so you’re gone and found another lover.
It’s been 374 days. We could have spent those days together. But I do hope for your happiness, and maybe one day fate will lead me to something as special as what I had with you.
What do you expect?
Comfort. Someone you feel safe with, someone who feels safe with you.
Trust. Someone whose words and actions you can trust, someone who trusts yours.
Future. Someone who shares the same life missions, someone with values, values aligned with yours.
Affection, care. Someone who loves you very much and cares enough to always let you know.
Admiration. Someone whom you admire, who also admires you and sees your best.
Someone who listens, someone who wants to see you happy, and keep you feeling that way, whatever it takes.
Someone who believes in your strengths and accepts your weaknesses. And vice versa.
Someone who somehow relies on you for something, because you “complete” them. Someone with a flaw that you can cover, as well as they can help you cover yours.
Someone who needs you and wants to make sure that you’re doing okay.
Someone who is loved by people around them, someone who has a best friend(s) who also love you.
The truth is everybody deserves this, and should not settle for less! *wink
Also, Happy Valentine’s Day (for those who care :p)
Andy: I had Mr. Mozart to keep me company…[points and taps his head.] It was in here. [gestures over his heart] And in here. That’s the beauty of music. They can’t get that from you. Haven’t you ever felt that way about music?
Red: Well… I played a mean harmonica as a younger man. Lost interest in it, though. Didn’t make too much sense in here.
Andy: No, here’s where it makes the most sense. You need it so you don’t forget.
Andy: That there are places in the world that aren’t made out of stone. That there’s… there’s somethin’ inside that they can’t get to; that they can’t touch. It’s yours.
Create your music, listen to it, believe in it. The temptation to judge and offend is most likely because we’re unsatisfied and not enjoying our own song, and this helps in understanding why some people act certain ways.
And I guess when we truly know who we are and what we want, whatever society say or do will never matter anymore.
You know something is wrong for you when you keep on wanting some aspects to change knowing that they will not and you cannot imagine coping with it while picturing your life in the next 10 years.
It could be a cult, a belief, a value, a culture, a certain society/person’s way of thinking and acting, and you could always escape, find the nearest turn, and take a new direction. Or you can just continue pretending that you have adapted, secretly knowing that your soul and dreams have died deep inside. Probably several times.
But maybe the wise were right. Those wrong turns and decisions can’t be considered wrong for they may lead everything to where they’re meant to be. Idealism and sentiments can be enough impediment clouding our judgments while our inner feelings always knew what we wanted to become as a person (or what we expect/deserve from other people, for that matter).
Then there are experiences we misread as “fate”. Things that seem to be “falling into places” by itself, things we “cannot help”. Maybe it’s comfortable, only because we didn’t do much to get into that place. Maybe it’s in our genes, our upbringing. Maybe it’s our blood type, maybe it was written in the stars, or printed on our palms. Whatever it is, we believe it’s meant to be, only because it was easy. They happened to us. We didn’t make any of those happen.
And while revising several “life principles”, I find myself contradicting previous theories…
Apples may not fall far from the tree. But we’re not apples. And maybe we can change after all.
*pictures taken from “Love Kittens” by Milly Brown. Lovely book filled with adorable kittens… but not half as lovely and adorable as the person who gave it to me! ^^
X: If I ask you to judge me, secara subjektif & asal aja…menurut lo gw lebih manusia otak kiri atau kanan? Berkaitan dgn career juga yah
“Inspired by Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution, it was divided into two parts: the first was based on nature.. The second part took its reference from the industrial revolution and the harm that man has done to the world since. McQueen wanted to demonstrate how fragile the planet is, and his use of the stuffed animals was to underscore the fact that perhaps these may be the only animals left for our grandchildren to see.”
Only since 2006 have I learned about Alexander McQueen and his twistedly beautiful creations. I found out that he was the favorite designer of myfavorite ANTM model at that (naive) moment, and when I first saw his designs, I knew instantly that they were artworks made with heart. His works are where fashion and arts collide; surprising and dramatic, often stating historical, political, or environmental issues.
A dearfriend of mine once said, “We tend to idolize people with qualities we may still lack. The fact that they possess something we desire is the reason why we are drawn to them”.
Which I find so true in this case. I always go gaga everytime seeing his works, be it the ready to wear or haute couture collections. Although his designs may be too bizarre for some people, I say weird is good. If only I was a talented genius with such insane creativity like him…
“But everybody has their own demons, no matter how talented, famous, or successful they are. And those who can fight them are lucky.”-source
The world has lost one talented artist/designers, and he is the one that actually lit a fire inside my soul. To see him or at least attend his show was a promise I made to myself. But now that he’s gone, I am truly out of words 😥
Goodbye McQueen, thanks for being such an inspiration to us.
I envy the butterflies, flitting guiltlessly, from one pretty flower to another.
I envy the raindrops, falling freely, without the slightest fear of the powerful gravity.
I envy the happy old lady, selling crops and seeds with a smile, certain that God won’t leave her even just for a while.
I envy the children running along, laughing as loud as they might, telling stories with nothing to imply.
I envy the moonlight, the sunlight, how generous they are to share rays of life, without any grudge holding them from giving their all.
And I envy the hearts, who still trust even though they’ve been crushed.
The forgiving smiles even though betrayals have damaged them much.
The hopes in their eyes, as if nothing can shatter their beliefs, as if nothing is ever worth their over grief.
I don’t envy kisses and cuddles, only portrayed to hide the emptiness inside.
Or owning acquaintances who exist and persist in the hopes that people realize and want to be part of the disguise.
I don’t envy companions, prides, degrees, statuses, accomplishments that are nothing but shiny, polished misery.
Exhibited only to conceal what soul really lies underneath.
For this year, for this new year… I wish to achieve the essence of what I envy still, and be avoided from things that I never will.
So here we are taking our bow, hopefully with knowledge in our head and wisdom in our eye,
Welcoming the beginning of you, and gladly waving 2009 goodbye.
I try to reach the sky
Along with the choices passing me by
By not deciding only one
Does it mean we’ll be achieving but none?
Is it commitment when we commit to many?
Or is it wrong and simply greedy?
Confusion within contemplation
Too tired even just to reason
You stand there right in between
Accomplishing what seems to be unseen
I try to reach the sky
The choices keep passing me by
Hold on tight to all these branches
Taking the plenty, the golden chances
X: As you know, I don’t look back. *shrugs snobbishly*
Y: So that‘s why you never learn your lesson… *nods understandingly*