a shoe tale

It’s been over a year, since I saw you sitting there alone. I approached to see if we clicked. We seem to fit well together. I was tempted, though I knew I didn’t need you that much. Not with the amount of price that must be paid. Is it worth it? Should I just take this chance?

I hesitated, I contemplated. I walked away, headed to the opposite direction.
Plenty others distracted me, for a moment I had forgotten about you completely.

But soon the image of you came back to haunt my mind. I think we can get along just fine. And maybe the benefit would outweigh the cost. Maybe I should just say yes without listening to all these doubts.

“You really should think clearly and not act on your impulses”, a voice inside my head reminded.
“There is nothing to lose, short-term happiness is still happiness,” my heart argued.

The head won, as it usually does, initially. I left you, convincing myself that this is how things should end between us.

“Get over it, it’s not a big deal.” I said to myself.

But I couldn’t sleep that night. There a tiny feeling of regret crawling up my chest. A tad bit of guilt for ignoring that happenstance. A moment where destiny decides that we should meet.

The next day I knew what I should do. Half-running, I rushed to get to you again. Apologizing for abandoning you the other day, for not listening to my heart and worried too much about what was right.

But as I got back to your place, you were nowhere to be found. I asked and questioned everyone, and they said you were picked up by someone. I was left there with a big hole in my heart and a massive remorse. I looked around, none were even comparable to you.

You may be not that perfect, but I knew there was something about us that could have worked. So what if we failed eventually? The biggest mistake was us not bother trying; and me not brave enough to take any risk. I ran away from my heart’s desire. And so you’re gone and found another lover.

It’s been 374 days. We could have spent those days together. But I do hope for your happiness, and maybe one day fate will lead me to something as special as what I had with you.

I think you looked like this, I really can’t remember.

The Shawsank Redemption’s Best Quote

Andy: I had Mr. Mozart to keep me company…[points and taps his head.] It was in here. [gestures over his heart] And in here. That’s the beauty of music. They can’t get that from you. Haven’t you ever felt that way about music?

Red: Well… I played a mean harmonica as a younger man. Lost interest in it, though. Didn’t make too much sense in here.

Andy: No, here’s where it makes the most sense. You need it so you don’t forget.

Red: Forget?

Andy: That there are places in the world that aren’t made out of stone. That there’s… there’s somethin’ inside that they can’t get to; that they can’t touch. It’s yours.

**

Create your music, listen to it, believe in it. The temptation to judge and offend is most likely because we’re unsatisfied and not enjoying our own song, and this helps in understanding why some people act certain ways.

And I guess when we truly know who we are and what we want, whatever society say or do will never matter anymore.

*sigh*

U Turn, At Last

You know something is wrong for you when you keep on wanting some aspects to change knowing that they will not and you cannot imagine coping with it while picturing your life in the next 10 years.

It could be a cult, a belief, a value, a culture, a certain society/person’s way of thinking and acting, and you could always escape, find the nearest turn, and take a new direction. Or you can just continue pretending that you have adapted, secretly knowing that your soul and dreams have died deep inside. Probably several times.

But maybe the wise were right. Those wrong turns and decisions can’t be considered wrong for they may lead everything to where they’re meant to be. Idealism and sentiments can be enough impediment clouding our judgments while our inner feelings always knew what we wanted to become as a person (or what we expect/deserve from other people, for that matter).

Then there are experiences we misread as “fate”. Things that seem to be “falling into places” by itself, things we “cannot help”. Maybe it’s comfortable, only because we didn’t do much to get into that place. Maybe it’s in our genes, our upbringing. Maybe it’s our blood type, maybe it was written in the stars, or printed on our palms. Whatever it is, we believe it’s meant to be, only because it was easy. They happened to us. We didn’t make any of those happen.

And while revising several “life principles”, I find myself contradicting previous theories

Apples may not fall far from the tree. But we’re not apples. And maybe we can change after all.

*pictures taken from “Love Kittens” by Milly Brown. Lovely book filled with adorable kittens… but not half as lovely and adorable as the person who gave it to me! ^^

The Reward for Conformity…

“…I’d like to repeat the advice that I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. 

If you want to get more out of life, Ron, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty. And so, Ron, in short, get out of Salton City and hit the Road. I guarantee you will be very glad you did. But I fear that you will ignore my advice. You think that I am stubborn, but you are even more stubborn than me. You had a wonderful chance on your drive back to see one of the greatest sights on earth, the Grand Canyon, something every American should see at least once in his life. But for some reason incomprehensible to me you wanted nothing but to bolt for home as quickly as possible, right back to the same situation which you see day after day after day. I fear you will follow this same inclination in the future and thus fail to discover all the wonderful things that God has placed around us to discover. 

Don’t settle down and sit in one place. Move around, be nomadic, make each day a new horizon. You are still going to live a long time, Ron, and it would be a shame if you did not take the opportunity to revolutionize your life and move into an entirely new realm of experience. 

You are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living. 

My point is that you do not need me or anyone else around to bring this new kind of light in your life. It is simply waiting out there for you to grasp it, and all you have to do is reach for it. The only person you are fighting is yourself and your stubbornness to engage in new circumstances.’ 

-Christopher Johnson McCandless a.k.a. “Alex Supertramp” in a letter to acquaintance Ronald A. Franz” 
— Jon Krakauer (Into the Wild)

**

As much as that made perfect sense to me, I’ve been wondering, is there really a time limit where one must finally settle and conform and actually feel content for doing so? Or is there even a start sign where one must leave their comfort zone and jump off the track they’ve been planning their whole life? Is it for everyone? Or should some just stay where they are, accept and be grateful for their destiny of stability and security. And if the price of nonconformity includes disappointments from those who genuinely give a damn, those to whom we practically owe, should we just stop being so ignorant and start living our lives according to others’ expectations. (Not a question, I seek no answer).

“The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself. So go for it!”
-Rita Mae Brown, modified under stress =p

What I don’t envy

I envy the butterflies, flitting guiltlessly, from one pretty flower to another.

I envy the raindrops, falling freely, without the slightest fear of the powerful gravity.

I envy the happy old lady, selling crops and seeds with a smile, certain that God won’t leave her even just for a while.

I envy the children running along, laughing as loud as they might, telling stories with nothing to imply.

I envy the moonlight, the sunlight, how generous they are to share rays of life, without any grudge holding them from giving their all.

And I envy the hearts, who still trust even though they’ve been crushed.
The forgiving smiles even though betrayals have damaged them much.
The hopes in their eyes, as if nothing can shatter their beliefs, as if nothing is ever worth their over grief.

I don’t envy kisses and cuddles, only portrayed to hide the emptiness inside.
Or owning acquaintances who exist and persist in the hopes that people realize and want to be part of the disguise.
I don’t envy companions, prides, degrees, statuses, accomplishments that are nothing but shiny, polished misery.
Exhibited only to conceal what soul really lies underneath.

For this year, for this new year… I wish to achieve the essence of what I envy still, and be avoided from things that I never will.

So here we are taking our bow, hopefully with knowledge in our head and wisdom in our eye,
Welcoming the beginning of you, and gladly waving 2009 goodbye.

**